Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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