pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
