I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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