I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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