Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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