I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
