I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
