who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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