My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
