i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
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He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
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I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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