I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
