the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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