we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize