it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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