Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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