I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
