Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
