sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
