Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
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Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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