I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
