I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
