She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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