Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
