My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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