god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
