You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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