I'm drive I can fine osifer
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
