I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So much rum. So many feels.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
