he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
