I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
