Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
