"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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