This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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