Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
