Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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