Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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