I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
