life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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