my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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