i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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