stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
