i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
