I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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