Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
