worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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