I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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