He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
