What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
