I puked a lego.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
