apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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