She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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