I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
