last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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