Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
