Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
