I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
